Frustrated and upset

So I found out yesterday that Dick has to go on an underway for 3 weeks and I just started bawling. I know he cared but he did not show it much because he is stressed out himself. Last time he left for 2 weeks my world fell apart again by getting sick. I am not much better than I was then.

I still cannot eat much and have lost 20+lbs. I am awaiting on the results from the biopsies from my endoscopy which is probably eosinophilic esophagitis which is a shitty diagnosis. I am currently eating vegan brown rice patties which contain sunflower seeds, blueberries, bananas, raspberries, mangoes, potatoes, sweet potatoes, olive oil, olive hummus, brown rice products, and grassfed beef. I do not know if this elimination diet is working because I still feel like it is hard to swallow sometimes but I also currently have a a cold so who knows.

I am terrified of Dick leaving because of taking care of my 2 year old alone. I know I have my parents but it is frustrating that I am 30 and have trouble taking care of her myself. The other night I was making dinner and my heart started racing so fast that Dick had to finish it and give olivia  a bath. These are simple things most people do not think twice about but it is all I can think about with a chronic illness. I do not know why my dysautonomia is acting up again. It is probably because they used propofol during my endoscopy even though my endocrinologist said not to. The anesthesiologist felt that he knew best and wanted to use it anyway. I now feel palpitations and cannot stand up for very long. This means my heart rate is getting into the 150-180's because that is when I usually start to notice.

I dont want to be on a betablocker either because they have just as many side effects as they do help. I will just become sleepy all the time. Also, I am afraid to start new meds while dick will be gone because I dont want something to happen to me when I am alone with Olivia. I have a huge fear of this. Ugh I feel like my life has really been turned upside down these past 2 months and I wish it would go back to the way it was. I need to start painting again because it will help my sanity. I am finally finished with school and was about to start a new job and had to leave that. I miss going out to eat with my family and this was a huge part of my life. I miss working out and going to work out classes alone, that was a huge feat. I miss my life as a semi-normal 30 year old woman. I want to get back there again.

I have to have hope that things will get better otherwise I will just fall into depression. I have to have hope that someday I will be able to get pregnant, carry the child to term, and take care of both kids if/when Dick deploys. I have so many hopes and dreams that are being crushed by this chronic illness. I really hope one day to crush it and live out those hopes and dreams.