pregnancy not viable and still symptomatic.

The last couple of weeks have been really tough. I started spotting and bleeding and found out the pregnancy was not viable. They were worried it was ectopic so they did an ultrasound and luckily everything looked alright. I found out today that my beta is now negative (4) so I am relieved that my numbers are going down. It was very emotional for me dealing with the loss of this pregnancy but I guess what is meant to be will be.

My main symptom lately is having trouble swallowing which can make me feel short of breath. Night time is the worst and it leaves me in crying spells a lot. It is so difficult with dick being on duty every four days and me being home to care for olivia alone. I am so worried that something will happen to me and no one will know til the next day. I am holding my own today and going to see a hematologist. He will hopefully check for mast cell infiltration and whatever else. I also hope to get scoped soon when the doctor comes back from vacation. I am not looking forward to it but hopefully it will give me the answers/treatment I need.

Pregnant and having trouble eating.

So I found out last week that I am pregnant and boy was that a shock. The day before I was sitting in Dr. Sperling's office (gastroenterologist) discussing my symptoms. He recommended a scope for possible allergic esophagitis, mast cell infiltration, as well as some other stuff. Now, I can't have any procedures done because I am pregnant and I was really scared.

I have been having trouble eating lately and feeling like I can't breathe with a lot gas/belching and discomfort. I am upset because I can't take vitamins and I am scared that I am not giving the baby the nutrients it needs but I am trying my best.

I have spent the last couple of nights crying myself to sleep because dealing with a chronic illness is damn hard. I have an appt in a few weeks to go to an allergist and hematologist. They are going to research my mast cell issues and tell me if I have mastocytosis. After reading the symptoms and my endocrinologist always suspecting it, I probably do so I need to learn how to cope with it.

It has been really hard with my husband being gone on duty every 4 days. Somedays I wonder how I am going to take care of Livvy on my own but I am thankful for having parents that help me when they can. Last night was rough because I feel like I was experiencing an 'autonomic flare' I had heart pain, dizziness, and it felt like blood was pooling no matter which way i laid. I got really scared but woke up fine this morning. I am exhausted though so I hope I get better sleep tonight.

Allergic Esophagitis and frustrated

I went to the GI doctor today which was somewhat helpful but also made me emotional. I explained how I am still having a ton of stomach symptoms and how I have reacted poorly to chicken the last two times I tried it. He wants to scope me which I am terrified of but it seems at this point that I do not have a choice because he won't treat me otherwise. His ideas are that it is eosinophilic esophagitis, reflux, bile salt reflux, or possibly h. pylori. He is pretty sure it is EoE though and from what I researched, really limits what types of food i can eat. Right now I am only eating gluten free fish sticks, fish, pureed bananas, blueberries, peas, rice, and potatoes. I already feel so deprived and still symptomatic.

I never realized how much I loved food until I can't  have it. Thanksgiving was depressing as I was the only person deprived of turkey, stuffing, gravy, etc... I just want things to go back to normal before I had this reaction a month ago. I feel like this is a bad dream I can't wake up from. I really hope my kids will never have to go through this. It sucks being diagnosed with such rare illness with little treatment.

I don't know what to do about work either. I have such a great opportunity but I feel too much like shit everyday to go. My blood pressure is raised and my heart rate is really high. I just am losing hope. I don't know how to tell my supervisor that I don't think I can come back for months and I don't even know if she'd take me by then. I am just super duper bummed. I never pictured this is how my life would be at 30 but I do have a lot to be thankful for. I have an adorable little girl who makes my world go round along with a supportive husband, mom, and dad. I really don't know what I would do without them.

I just feel like an emotional wreck lately. I need to find the strength to get better.